Georgia… Georgia.

I absolutely despise the Georgia Bulldogs and everything they stand for. Having grown up in Atlanta, I consider myself an expert in Bulldoggery. My peers were mostly Dawgs. My teachers were mostly Dawgs. My preacher was a Dawg. My aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents — Dawgs (and a Yellow Jacket or two). Individually, these are all fine folks. Collectively and in general, they are insufferable.

I could give you 20,000 words on the douchbaggitude of your average Georgia fan, but I have a real job and an annoyed wife, so instead I present the five worst things about Georgia:

5.) Grown Ass Men, Barking Like Dogs: The very same people who will lecture you about winning with class, proper gentlemen’s attire and the silliness of your arm slapping chomp motion will turn around and bark like dog right in your face. If they’re good and drunk enough, they’ll get on all fours in the bed of their pickup trucks and howl. The worst part is that it doesn’t matter if they win or lose (how else would I even know about this?)

4.) The Butts-Mehre Heritage Hall. We have the Heavener Complex, they have THE BUTT SMEAR HERITAGE HALL! BUTT SMEAR! You would think Wally Butts would have acquiesced and allowed Mr. Mehre’s name to go first to avoid such a calamity. This isn’t really one of the top-five worst things about Georgia, but it’s too silly to leave out. Butt Smear… Butt. Smear.

3.) Everyone is a Damn Historian. Name another fan base that we interact with on a regular basis that constantly talks about things that happened more than 30 or 40 years ago. Alabama fans are content to talk about last season or even the year before or the year before that. Tennessee fans are perfectly happy to talk about the not-so-distant Phil Fulmer years. LSU fans typically live in the now, I think, but I can never understand what those people are saying. Florida State fans like to talk about the past, though it’s not yet ancient history with them. What makes these fan bases so different from Georgia? National Championships. Georgia hasn’t won any of them in more than 30 years. Herschel Walker might look like he can still play, but he’s been ineligible for 29 years.

2.) “Gator Girls Like it Doggy Style.” Keep an eye (and an ear) out for this one tomorrow. Again the same folks who are the epitome of class and dignity, apparently derived from the freshly pressed crease in their red slacks, will not hesitate to say awful things to you wife, girlfriend and possibly even your mother. Anyone who is wearing a shirt, holding a sign, or openly speaking the words “Gator Girls Like it Doggy Style” is asking for a fight and you should oblige. (Don’t follow my advice to the point of getting arrested. Dumb students get a pass because we’ve all been there, right?)

1.) Uga. What Sonny Seiler, his family and the greater Georgia community has done to that line of English Bulldogs is tantamount to animal abuse. They are so deeply inbred in order to achieve a pure white coat that most pups don’t live longer than one-to-two years. I once met a descendant of Uga V, or whichever one was on the OMG COVER OF SPORTS ILLUSTRATED (our players get on it pretty often, their mascot did once like 10 years ago – color me impressed), and he could hardly walk thanks to hip problems. He was four years old and of course his name was Herschel. Truthfully, I’m a little jealous of the live mascot, but if we had one of our own he would literally eat theirs. That’s a huge liability. English Bulldogs are OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive for a dog, even more so for a light snack.